Likely you have recently had a conversation where the topic of setting boundaries has come up. The phrase "I'm setting boundaries to not _____" or “One of my boundaries is _____” may sound increasingly familiar. For instance, a colleague may have told you that they have a boundary regarding emails, where they won’t respond to a parent's email if it’s sent after 5 PM. Alternatively, you may have a friend or family member who sets a limit to travel for no more than two holidays each year. Setting time limits on social media apps or putting your phone in another room is another common example of limit setting.
What do all of these examples have
in common? Often personal and professional boundaries are expressed with phrasing that emphasizes the negative or what will not happen. Like the examples above, these boundaries describe where we won’t go or what we won’t do in our personal or professional lives. The term “boundary” describes a limit, a line, a barrier, or a division. Visualizing boundaries from this angle may unintentionally create an ever-growing list of “won’t do’s” or “can’t do’s.” As we focus on boundaries that identify what’s outside of the parameters of acceptability, we spend our time and energy communicating everything that isn’t healthy or helpful. Unfortunately, we can also probably recall times when we engaged in an action that fell outside of the parameters. These experiences may prompt a sense of failure as we “did the thing we weren’t supposed to do.” When boundaries are designed negatively, we become highly skilled at knowing what falls “beyond the fence” of our lives. However, this leaves us less skilled in knowing what falls inside our borders.
Boundaries are designed to support us in identifying what lies inside the fence. Boundaries are intended to shift our focus on what is in our control rather than on our expectations of the behavior of those around us. As an alternative, words such as “center,” “heart” and “core” are identified as antonyms to boundaries. What happens if we shift our thinking instead to what we will do and what our core emphasis will be?
Consider the email example described above. Your colleague knows exactly what they will not do when an email comes in after 5 PM. Reflect upon the intent of the limit. Imagine that your colleague values preparing a home-cooked meal for their family at the end of a school day. Shifting those late afternoon emails to the next morning allows them to focus on the intent of the limit and places less of a focus on avoiding answering emails. How could flipping our perspective on setting boundaries shift us out of focusing on the “can’t,” “won’t” and “shouldn’t” behaviors and embracing what we will value and emphasize in our lives?
Consider a few boundaries you’ve set recently or have long held in your personal or professional life. You most likely have a clear view of what will not occur. What might these limits demonstrate to you regarding your values, beliefs, and the actions you will take? What fits inside your life, rather than what you will exclude, may become the more important focus.
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